On Personal Fulfillment in Family

I have been struggling lately.  Ever since I took AP Chemistry from Mr. Mullen in high school, I have wanted to be a chemistry teacher.  Mullen had such an impact on my life!  He turned me on to science, he answered my questions, I developed a keen appreciation for rational thought.  I thought, if I become a teacher I could have that same impact on many different students, I could help create a generation of less ignorant, more tolerant, more thoughtful people.

Recently, the opportunity to teach suddenly popped up.  It was completely unexpected, very short notice, and very inconvenient. I haven't finished my doctoral thesis, and the university I am working for expects me to rework their physical chemistry class and labs.  This means making lecture notes for a book I didn't choose, that I have never used before, to teach a class I have never taught before (and all that entails), while also finding the equipment for a lab, writing a laboratory manual, and writing my thesis.  On top of this, I also teach physics and gen-chem labs.  This level of work load is mind-numbing insanity, and I have been progressively getting more and more depressed.  What if teaching isn't right for me at all?  What if my God-given talent would be better applied someplace else, like doing research in Germany?  Maybe I should go to Alabama where I can be near one of my few friends and do work for the DOD.  These decisions are complex, with my needs and wants entangled with my family's.  I want to have impact, I want to do good for mankind, and I want to maintain a happy life with my family.

Last night I noticed my wife had put out a new picture in a little black frame.  It is of me sitting on my motorcycle with my daughter.  I stared at my daughter's face for a long time, and tears welled up in my eyes.  My daughter is happy, truly happy.  For her to be so happy just sitting with me on my bike, she must love me.    One way or another, I must be doing a good job as a father.  I am a good dad, I thought.  Suddenly, the worry about my workload and my uncertainty about the future disappeared.  I am a good father.  I may not be having an impact on mankind, but I am having a huge impact on the life of my child.  My thesis, and class, and research, and future opportunities all pale in comparison.  I will do my best on all of that, and let come what may... but so long as I am with my kids, loving them, raising them the best I can, then my life is full enough.

I went up stairs in my pajamas, quietly entered my daughter's room, and climbed up into the top bunk where she sleeps.  "Do you want to have a sleep over?" I asked.  "Sure daddy." And I slept better than I have in a long time.